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This isn't really a confession, I just need to get this off my chest. I'm so in love with my boyfriend. We've been together for over a year and have been living together for about 8 months now. I thought we were going to be together forever, that he was my one and only. We broke up today, well he calls it a "break". We just got off the phone and he's mad because I keep crying, well if someone broke your heart wouldn't you be crying too? He was talking to my sister earlyer today, telling her how much he loves me. But now I have to move out. I don't want to go but if I do I don't want to be in this city, state, or plant anymore. I want to be in a completly different place and be a completly different person. But I found somewhere to go, but my pride and joy(the cat), can not go with. I don't think I could make it without him but it hurts a lot to look at him. It's so upsetting because he knows something is wrong and knows I'm upset. When he hears keys in the hall he runs to the door and waits for my boyfriend to come in. It kills me to watch that because I know I won't be able to see that again. I have a stack of letters sitting on the coffee table, all the letters are about 2-5 pages long, I wrote one for every mood I was in. I've been wondering around this place for about the past hour, looking at every room touching everything. Remembering all the good memeries(and yes the bad) that this place holds. It just rips my heart out because this place is home to me, he is home to me. I can't ever see myself without him. He says it isn't me that it's him, he needs time to work threw a lot of things. I can't help blaming myself. I've been replaying your relationship over and over threw my head trying to think of all the thinks that I could have done diffenrently. "What if I would of said this, or what if I could not of done that". I just don't want to wake up one day and have him call me up and say, sorry I don't want to be with you or that I've found someone new someone better than you are. But I know I can't control any of that. I always thought I was some what of a strong person, now I jsut feel so weak. Well who knows what will happen, maybe we will be together, maybe this will all work out. But now it's time to go. As I walk around one last time and turn everything off all I can remember is all the good times that were shared, I can hear all the laughter, and see all the smiles. And know that I do love him. My sister told me today that love conquers all. Well I hope she right and that the saying is true, maybe love will conquer all.
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I have fantasies of being raped, but by someone who I find to be my "dream" guy. I want to be shocked by him fucking me out of no where.
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